It's Been A while...

I neglect this blog too much....

I promise to change that...

I always make those promises...

There is a lot going on and I want to write and share but time is never in abundance...

Anger

Lately, I get angry.

Not violent.

Just hateful.

I think in my head how much I hate this or that.

Or... more often, how much I hate a person for this or that.

It is so unhealthy, I know - but fuck, people are mental!

Recent Pet Peeves (and I am taking a huge risk as people may read this and go "oh shit that is me" but I will be as vague as I can)

-not following through with promises
-making false promises
-lying
-back stabbing
-bragging
-one-upping
-being two-faced
-contradicting
-neglecting
-bailing
-being passive aggressive

ok so I was REALLY vague.... but grrr... i hate people!

One Example:

A girl I know will totally hate on people, make fun of them for doing stuff then turn around and do the same thing.

This same girl is clingy and then a total bitch when she finds a new person to cling to (usually one of my friends) FURTHERMORE she has to brag and lie and one-up and it makes me wanna shout in her face and call her out on her stupidity but I can't because that would just cause drama and we have far too many mutual friends.

Another example:

A person who I totally trust and who promised to never do something I hate recently did that thing. They don't know I know and I shouldn't know but I found out and it is pissing me off. I want to confront said person but I know they will either get mad I found out and back pedal to justify it, or write it off as no big deal and say I am blowing it out of proportion

Another one:

A person I know, not really a friend, who is so self-absorbed and delusional about life, this person is a pathological liar and they don't even SEE their own lies, even when caught in lies this person tries to weave out and act like they never said original lie. This person is also a one-upper, bragger, but so obnoxious literally no one can stand to be near them.... yet for some reason I do and then constantly get let down and/or irritated and angry

One More:

A guy I work for seasonally thinks I am his personal assistant. He will call me 24/7 and expect a prompt answer or reply. If I don't call him back before he calls a 2nd time (2 seconds later or 2 hours later you never know with him) He will leave his stupid fucking message about being disappointed and how I should be more active for the money he pays me and how will the business grow if I can't even answer my phone - really? go fuck yourself!

Currently:

Outside there is some drunk girl singing - - - I want to go to sleep but he is fucking singing - i want to throw rocks out my window at her but I have no rocks inside and I am out of eggs, plus if I miss it will make a mess.... grrrrrr

SO - - - - What is up?

Is it me?

Am I the one with anger issues? Do I need to re-eval and develop coping mechanisms for my anger?

or is it that the world is fucking irritating and I just have the worst luck of being surrounded by morons?

Hmmm...

Please advise!

Camping

I love camping.

But let me tell ou what camping means for me...

It is NOT pitching a tarp or tent in themiddle nowhere.
It is NOT digging a hole to use as a bathroom, it is NOT even using an outhouse...

No, MY CAMPING involves running water, flushing toilets, tents and trailers, a paid for camp site, 24 hour security, a lake, a beach, a camp stove and a market on site for daily ice, charcoal and cold soda mixers for my booze.

Yes, that is my camping, though my husbands calls it an "outdoor motel" I think it is fabulous.

We do not hunt or fish our own food. We do not deal with wild animals, our worst concern is if our neighbours are jerks.

I love Golden Ears, Cultus Lake and other type locations to camp in BC.

It is family fun without too much sacrifice ;)

What is best is that these locations are less than 2 hours from my home and friends and family can come for day visits.

I just got back from 4 glorious days at Cultus Lake where I read, swam, walked, visited with friends and family and just enjoyed sitting on the beach or by the campfire... I still had my blackberry for tweets if needed, but I also had the fresh air and outdoors to enjoy.

It was awesome!

12 Qualities of Happiness

Remember MySpace? Well my best-friend Miss J was going through her old blogs on myspace, remembering the "good ol' days" and so I decided to do the same.


My original MySpace was deleted years ago by MySpace and I was devestated I lost all my blogs, photos and memories... which to this day still upsets me! To be honest, after that, I never trusted or liked MySpace again!

Anyhow, here is something I found on her blog that really applies...

so.. my mum is reading this book.. and decided to send me bits of it...

12 Qualities of Happiness


1. Love. This is the wellspring of happiness, renewable and everlasting. We often think that being loved is the best feeling in the world, but it's the second best. The best is loving someone else. Love is the polar opposite of fear, emotionally and neurologically. Thus, it is the antidote to fear and the first step towards happiness.

2. Optimism. Optimism provides power over painful events. I used to think it was an attitude: seeing a glass half full instead of half empty. But that felt artificial, a mere trick of perception. Then I suffered the worst event of my life. My son died. I thought the light had left my life forever. However, in my despair, I realized that my son had left me a legacy of love that was mine forever and that if I could survive the loss of my child, nothing else could devastate me. When I realized this, I found that every hurtful event holds lessons, and that the more it hurts, the more you learn. Thus, I discovered the true meaning of optimism. Optimism is realizing that the more painful the event, the more profound the lesson. Once you bring this knowledge into your heart, you can never look at any event as all bad. Optimism gives you power over fear of the future and over regret for the past.

3. Courage. This is your strongest weapon for overcoming the split-second power of the fear system. You can't rise above fear without courage because fear is hardwired into your neural circuitry. There is no such thing as a fear-ectomy. If fear is eternally programmed into your brain, though, so is courage. It comes from the neocortex and is a product of the spirit, the intellect, and the higher emotions of love and generosity. It is nature's natural balance for the fear that has helped us survive. It's the quality that allows us to thrive.

4. A sense of freedom. Nothing fills the soul like freedom. Freedom is choice, and choice is what makes us human. When we choose, we define who we are. Everyone has the power to make choices, but unhappy people don't know they have it. They think it's only for the rich. It's not. I've met a thousand rich people who didn't feel free. Choice is available to anyone who has the courage to exercise it.

5. Proactivity. Happy people participate in the own destinies and forge their own happiness. They don't wait for events or other people to make them happy. They're not passive victims.

6. Security. Happy people know that nothing over time lasts-not money, not approval, not even life itself. So they don't measure security with a calendar or a calculator. They simply like who they are. They're not slaves to popularity, longevity, or financial status. They know that security is an inside job.

7. Health. Happiness and health are interdependent. It's hard to be happy if you don't feel healthy, and its hard to be healthy if you're not happy. Of special importance for happiness is healthy mood chemistry. You can have a happy life and not even know it if you're tortured by faulty mood chemistry. An imbalance of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine, for example, can mask the happiness that lies beneath it.

8. Spirituality. Happy people arent' afraid to go beyond the boundaries of their own lives. They let go, and welcome extraordinary experiences. They have markedly less fear of death. They're not concerned about dying -- they're concerned about not living.

9. Altruism. Unhappy people are usually too self-absorbed to be altruistic. But happy people know how good it feels. It connects you to others, gives you purpose, and gets you outside yourself.

10. Perspective. Unhappy people tend to see things in absolute terms and often can't distinguish small problems from big ones. Happy people see shades of gray, and they know how to prioritize their problems and turn them into possibilities. They don't lose sight of life's big picture during the bad times.

11. Humor. Humor is a shift of perception that gives people the guts to go on when life looks its worst. There is an abandonment in it that is close to enlightenment. It lifts suffering off the heart and hands it to the intellect and spirit, which alone have the power to heal it.

12. Purpose. Happy people know why they're here on earth. They're doing the things they were meant to do. If they died today, they would be satisfied with their lives.

after reading it... I think I've realized part of my problem as of late....

I've lost my happy.

I really liked reading this for a few reasons. One, it is so true, every single thing in there can determine happy or not. Two, it was sent to my best-friend by her mum, who is no longer with us, but it shows her struggle to find happiness and share it. Three, I have been feelng down lately and really feel like this is a good pick-me-up.

Summer Fun

I find that I want to do fun Summer Activities but on a budget. I can't very-well spend money I don't have and I don't work much in the summer given my seasonal job, so... Here are some fun free or cheap things to do in the summer...

Spray Park

We have a spray park near us, as well as a number of other ones in the not-too-far distance that we can attend. Kiddies can play, adults can read, visit, nap ha ha

Swimming Pools

Same as above, but best if your kiddies are older or know how to swim

Drive-in Movies

On weekends the Twilight Drive-in close to us plays 3 movies! The first two are new and the third is a bit older, usually close to dvd release. If you can stay awake for all three, it is a bargain. $12 per adult, less for kids and if you sneak in your own food, you are set. Though we always end up spending a fortune at the concession because we know they don't make much money on ticket sales... and we don't want them to go out of business.

Picnics

You have to eat anyways right? Why not take the food to the park up the street or the lake near by?

Lakes and Rivers and Beaches

If you live near one do it. We are close to a river, several lakes and even the ocean... we don't do this one enough but should

Play Dates

This one is awesome. Have kiddies invite a pal over or go over to play - they entertain each other and you can get some house work, reading, tv or relaxation time in - - usually

Walks

I struggle to get off my lazy butt, but this is an easy way to get ou tof the house and spend time with the fam-bam as well as stay healthy!

Housework

fold laundry outside or garden together. Kids love spending time with parents and why not use the uality time to get some chores done too?

Bike Ride

Like a walk, its healthy excersize

Camping

Go camping. even for a night it is a fun and inexpensive way to spend some summer time

What else??????

New York Baby

So I have never been to NYC and I will be going.... what do I need to know?

I will have one day to site see, one day to kind of site see (I am taking a tour and going to a meet up but will have a few hours to myself to wander) and one day of plans (movie screening, Water for Elephants, don't judge me) and then head home.

Just a taste of NYC but I am psyched.

I found a dirt cheap hotel (well in NYC terms it is dirt cheap) and got a buddy pass for my flight so I am doing the trip in a rel. normal budget (again NYC terms) but I am really excited to see the city

Who has been? What must I see?

Denists

I am in a temporary full time position which includes 100% dental coverage so I am getting all my dental work done while I can.

I have gone (no joke) 5 times in two weeks.

first was cleaning and xray
second was replacing fillings on one side
third was replacing fillings on other side
fourth was a quick fix of my bite from a filling that was too high up
fifth was a quick impression for a night guard / mouth guard because I apparently grind / clench my teeth
sixth is tomorrow and is an appointment with the oral surgeon for a consult
then i book my surgery to FINALLY remove my wisdom teeth which have bugged me for years but I didn't have coverage so I didn't want to pay for the surgery....

ALSO my daughter had a cleaning and a filling so 7 times at the dental office in two weeks ha ha

thank god i have amazing coverage right now!

I am scared for the surgery to be honest. I will be put under and I assume they will take all out at once.... I am a wimp - I think I have a high pain tolerance, i have tattoos, i gave birth without ANY drugs (against my will trust me i begged for drugs!) but besides that I really am a pain wimp!

I am hoping to book it Easter weekend so i have extra days to recover without missing work, though if I have to miss then I have to miss but I actually love my job so I'd rather work, plus i may not have many paid sick days left because I get so sick for so long all the time - boo hiss!

Anyways - the dentists know me and love me and I don't mind them even though they inflict pain.... i don't have to PAY them to inflict pain and the pain is temporary and leads to long term better dental health.

My dental hygienist friend will be proud ha ha

Wrestlemania

NO, I didn't want it.

BUt I may or may not be watching WWE Raw right now - don't judge me.

I used to be a fan.... and by fan I mean every Raw and Smackdown I would watch or tape on my vhs. Every pay per view I would get or go somewhere to watch.

This was 98-04 ish. The Rock, HHH, Stone Cold.... you know!

We used to play drinking games, everytime "The Rock" said "the rock" we would take a shot. Never a sober Monday night ;)

Those were the days.

I actually attended a pay per view in Detroit Michigan in heels, a black mini skirt and a HHH Jersey... oh yes, I was "that girl" (but had the bod back then to pull it off ha ha)

I met a ton of wrestlers, and really enjoyed the whole phase. Once I had my daughter I still was into it - we went to a local RAW when she was 4 months to see who I could meet.... got tons of photos with her and wrestlers. THen were given free tickets to the show!

As my daughter got older, I watched it less, we still check it out on occasion but twice a year now is nothing like twice a week then!

Yes, I was a wrestling fan in the 90s....

I also watched in the 80s but that was when I was young. Hogan, Jake the Snake, Piper, Macho Man and so on.

I know it's "fake" but it is entertaining!

And Jeff Hardy......... I wanted to have his babies for the longest time ha ha!

Great memories!

I wish I had watched Wrestlemania last night - maybe after tonight's RAW I will catch up on the plots and start watching again...

... or not

YKWRGMG

You know what really grinds my gears?

Reading an awesome novel, hearing they will make it into a movie, casting it perfectly in your head, then "they" cast it all wrong.

Hunger Games did just that.

Grrrr.....

Tis the SEASON

I meant to post this a couple weeks ago... oops!

I went Black Friday Shopping and let me tell you - it wasnt entirely irritating this year.

Last year we went to the 24 hour Walmart and we loaded up two carts and then lined up at an empty register that wasnt open and waited until 5am when everything ACTUALLY went on sale and were first in line when the register opened. SCORE!

This year that same Walmart had a line out the door despite being open 24 hours.

Those who know me know I don't do lines..... and I sure as hell won't at a friggin' WALMART LoL

So we went to another one up the street, walked in easily, but they had 12:01am sales and so many were already lined up (it was 11pm) and all the advertised sales were mostly gone - that "While supplies last" geez!

Luckily they did price matching - so I pulled ou tmy flyers and shopped for items at Walmart that were on sale at Target, ToysRus, etc.

Scored some amazing stuff, two carts worth again but completed ALL our xms shopping

SCORE!

at about 4am we were done and went to a Shari's for breakfast.

Classy

Then we returned to my mother-in-laws to sleep

Great times

Now it is almost Christmas. I went to Best Buy for ONE dvd and left spending about 45 TIMES that on some super not-planned xmas gifts for our family... tee hee

Now I know I have spent way too much on Xhristmas this year and I am feeling only a little bit guilty - - - not too bad

What is your guilty Christmas purchase?

For me it is the last purchase at Best Buy - I won't say what yet (a game console that starts with a P ends in an S and has a "move" adapter)

but I drink lot's of Sailor Jerry's and Eggnog and I am happy.

Perseid Meteor Shower

Tonight and Tomorrow there will be the Perseid Meteor Shower.

Essentially, 100+ meteors per hours will light our skies. If you can find a dark location free from the busy city lights you can enjoy this spectacular phenomena with a bevvie and good company.

I hope to take my hubby and perhaps even the kiddo up to a local park where there is no hustle and bustle of lights and people.

"Can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now, wish right now..."

Now you can wish on REAL "shooting stars"

I remember once in late 2001 or early 2002 going to a dark park with my then boyfriend bundled up with a thermo of hot cocoa and Bailey's... we sat on a pinnic table in the middle of nowhere in the cold winter and watched, literally, hundreds of shooting stars, it was the coolest thing to see...

I've only seen a handful of shooting stars besides that night... often at the drive-in we spot them... anywhere away from the big city lights your chances are obviously better....

Anyways, enjoy tonight if you get the chnace to see them!

English Swear Words Video

This is even funnier for me because I work with Korean's.... I have many times tried to teach them the difference between saying BEACH and BITCH or SHIT AND SHEET ha ha - - - anyways this video is hilarious... and as he warns, it is not for pregnant women or children to watch" bahahaha

New Eminem and Rihanna Song - Love the Way You Lie

When I first heard "Love the way you lie" I was shocked to hear Eminem rapping / collaborating with Rihanna. The lyrics are powerful and today when I saw the video for the first time I was overwhelmed.

It's a controversial video - some claim it glorifies domestic abuse, maybe so - but for me it is a powerful message of how the good can go bad and once it does there is no escape, just repetition. I have witnessed VERY close friends experience this cycle and it pains me to know so many women allow it to continue over and over.

Dominic Monaghan and Megan Fox star in the video that showcases the downward spiral and repitious pattern domestic abuse too often takes.

Nilva said the video is especially potent because of Eminem's and Rihanna's personal histories with violence or abuse. "Eminem's history is ...as someone who sings a lot about violence," she said. "And Rihanna's experience [is] as someone who was abused by Chris Brown."

That history, she added, is what will make people look at the video and see "that the message is not 'Don't you want a relationship like mine?' The message is a warning sign."

During the four-minute span of "Love The Way You Lie," Rihanna alternately sneers in the frame and seems to physically diminish before finally crumbling to the ground in front of the burning house that serves as her backdrop throughout. The images may be melodramatic but symbolically, they are accurate, according to Nilva. "Someone who is victimized in a relationship does become smaller, does lose their power and their strength."

"I think we tried as hard as we could to not glorify the violence, to try and explain that this was a relationship that is by no means ideal and a relationship that probably should have ended a lot sooner than it did," Monaghan told MTV News recently. "The concept of 'Love the Way You Lie' was essentially a look at the relationship that Eminem was in with his wife, Kim, so I kind of felt like I was playing Eminem a little bit, and Megan Fox was kind of playing Kim.

"It's the story of them getting to know each other, and it's the story of their tumultuous relationship, and it was the story of the breakdown of their relationship," he continued. "Ultimately, what I think he's trying to say in the song ... is that he should have walked away a little bit quicker than he did and not let it get as messy as it did."

Personally, I can see how some may view it as glorification of domestic abuse since it stars two hot young actors with a lot of passion, however, the message they try to convey is strong and with discussion, young viewers will realize this is NOT a life to live and not acceptable behaviour... sadly, by the time relationships get to this stage, it is difficult to break free, as shown in the video and as witnessed and experienced by many people I know.

Here is the video if you haven't seen it:




Here are the lyrics if you need them:

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down


Get Recovery by Eminem-



This singleis available for doanload also:




[MTV]

Parking Tickets

How many have you had?

How many have you paid?

I swear I have the most outstanding parking tickets out of everyone I know.

I have this attitude like, I just want to park and I don't care if I get ticketed because I probably won't - then I always do.

My friend used to work for impark so he would always wipe away my tickets, or tell me how to get around them. I guess having that "connection" made me feel invincible.

So now, when I get a ticket I typically throw it in my glove compartment with the intention to dispute it but inevitably forget about it.

Then ignore follow up messages.

Bad Mandy!

One NYE I parked across from a night club we were hosting an event at and it was snowing so hard I doubted the guy would be out ticketing - he was!



Sometimes, I get an unfiar ticket. Once at a hockey game I went to pay the absurd meter price of $20. I put $20 in but the button was broken so I couldn't increase time. So my receipt said $20 15 minutes. I placed it on my dashboard anyways and got ticketd "exceeds time"

Yes, it does but the machine was broken and I paid the $20 - wtf?? I disputed that one... never heard back, assuming it was waived?

Last week on Wednesday as I was leaving work ready for my 5 day vacation I saw a little paper flapping in the wind upon my windshield.

a ticket

I was so mad!

not just because it was a ticket starting off my 5 days off but because it was incorrectly issued!

See, where I work there are 2 hour parking spots and there are 4 hour spots, so I always park in a 4 hour and then move my car at lunch.

I had done so that day and not exceeded the 4 hour limit, yet I still had this evil piece of paper tucked under my wiper.

I marched RIGHT back into work, filled out the dispute portion and faxed it right then and there to the office.

Hell if I am letting this parking ticket go any further - what a load of crap!

Yes, I have a ton of parking tickets, most of them unpaid and issued rightfully.... but this one last week - completely unfair and hopefully my prompt dispute will result in it being waived... of course, the stack of outstanding previous parking tickets may affect their decision ha!

I will let you know!

Neglect

NEGLECT
 /nɪˈglɛkt/ Show Spelled[ni-glekt]

–verb (used with object)
1. to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard or slight: The public neglected his genius for many years.
2. to be remiss in the care or treatment of: to neglect one's family; to neglect one's appearance.
3. to omit, through indifference or carelessness: to neglect to reply to an invitation.
4. to fail to carry out or perform (orders, duties, etc.): to neglect the household chores.
5. to fail to take or use: to neglect no precaution.

–noun
6. an act or instance of neglecting; disregard; negligence: The neglect of the property was shameful.
7. the fact or state of being neglected: a beauty marred by neglect.

I have neglected many things in my life.

This blog is one of them.

My apologies.

Real Life is so time-consuming.

I have decided to spend more focussed attention to my other blogs...

don't expect daily novels - but I hope at least weekly posts...

Cheers!

The Never-Ending Sickness

When I was a little girl I would get colds that would always lead to bronchitis. A common cold would cause me to bark like a dog with every cough. It always sounded so much worse than it was and the doctors always loaded me up with medicine until I was healthy again.

As an adult, not much changed, I was diagnosed with asthma which was believed to be the cause of my bark-l;ike coughs that accompanied every illness I encountered.

More recently, I was diagnosed wtih "seasonal allergies" which made the bark-like coughing even more horrific as I'd also have a congested head and frequently no available airway during a coughing fit.

I've tried so many different inhalers, pills, breathing treatments, it's frustrating nothing works.

I have been sick for over a month now, though only the last week and a half have been really bad.

I am sick fo being sick.

The stuffiness, the draining, the congestion, the pain, the aches, the tightness, the sleepless nights, the exhausted body, headaches, inability to eat, inability to breathe, I am so done with it...

I want a cure.

I heard on the radio about bio-energy healing and though I am not a huge believer in all the holistic healing methods that exsist, but I am to the point where I would consider trying anything.

We can promptly get your energy flowing freely through your body, mind and spirit from the inside out. Using only natural energy healing techniques, we effectively rebalance your body's energy flow, rejuvenating and transforming both you and your circumstances.

The basis is bang-on... stress gets you stuck and prevents your body from recovering promptly from illness. I know I have a horrible immune system as evident by the length of time I remain sick.

I also know that having pre-exsisting conditions (asthma and allergies) I get far MORE sick when I would usually just get a little bit sick.

Furthermore, I work with a lot of people and children who are basically disease carrying bodies spreading their germs to me.

Lastly, I take on far too much which meand I am usually stressed, busy and NOT resting... not a good equation for staying healthy.

So this combination of getting sick worse than average, longer than average, more often than average and basically having "being sick" as part of my regular lifestyle is not cool!

I need a change.

Any suggestions I am open too - leave a comment or email me !

Pre-St Pats Day Party

I posted this at Martini-Mandy but what the heck I have different readers at different places...

Pre Saint Patrick's Day Party this Saturday was a blast.....

I ran my annual Pre-St. Patty's Day Event Saturday Evening and it was pretty awesome. We had lowe numbers than usual but it made it more intimate. Everyone got jello shooters, a St Pat's tiara or hat, leprechauns gold coins (Chocolate) and VIP access to four venues in downtown Vancouver.

We started off at Blarney Stone in gastown for some Irish fun. They recently renovated and it looks really great inside. Our Emcee, Kyle, ran some activities for our group as well as others in the pub enjoying Green Beer and Traditional irish food.

After lot's of drinks and games we hopped on a bus and headed to Shark Club where we ate, drank and enjoyed the Canucks game and the boxing match on several flatscreens.

The Irish Activities continued and we gave away a bunch of cool prizes.

Our third stop, most were tipsy or beyond and we shook our botties on the dance floor at Au Bar. There were some models there in angels outfits, one of them was Brandi from Canada's Next Top Model. (On the right)

Our last stop was Gossip Night Club where we rolled up and gained VIP access and immediate entry to the club. Everyone had an amazing night and since I have been fighting a cold for about a week I headed home instead of dance the night away.

Overall it was a great time as always and I just wish I wasn't getting sick.

St. Patrick's Day is on Wednesday this week so I may go for my traditional Once a Month Wednesday that I have been neglecting for so long.... mechnial bull riding and 5 cent wings at Roosters... we shall see.

Paper Bag Princess

Remember this story? Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch.

Here is a summary of the plot from Wikipedia:

Princess Elizabeth was planning on marrying Prince Ronald, who was practically perfect. Then along came a dragon, which destroyed her kingdom, kidnapped Ronald, and burned all her clothes so that she had no choice but to wear a paper bag. She tracked down and outwitted the dragon. She challenged the dragon to burn forests with fire and to fly around the world. The dragon completes the tasks but after flying around the world a second time becomes tired and falls asleep. Elizabeth then saves Ronald. He didn’t even thank her and told her to come back to rescue him when she looked more princessy. Then Elizabeth realized what a bum Ronald was, told him off, and went off to live her own life.

Robert Munsch is genius.

As a child, I read this story wondering why the Prince didn't thank the Princess. Why didn't she make him?

I didn't understand the significance of this story until I was an adult who had loved and lost and conformed and rebelled and finally, figured out (mostly) who and what I was all about.

As a kid, Princess Elizabeth lost all her belongings, fought a fight, outwitted a dragon, saved her true love all for ... well... nothing!

As an adult, I can see now it wasn't for nothing, it was for something most important...

Independence and the realization that a women needs to be alone and put her self number one to discover and grow and learn.

Also... never settle for a bum!

- - - - - - - - -

I had a few boyfriends in highschool and a few in college. There were a few bums, well, there were a lot of bums, though I didn't realize it at the time. I was always very dependent on my boyfriend and in highschool especially felt like I always NEEDED a boy in my life. I had more crushes than I can count and more boyfriends, however short-lived, than I care to recall. There was always this driving force in me that made me BELIEVE I actually NEEDED to have a boyfriend....

Besides all the small, short, temporary relationships I've had three "major" relationships ("major" to me is about 3+ years long) though there was another relationships that lasted a number of years on and off which also meant a lot to me...

We met when I was 16 and became penpals instantly. Soon that developed into more and we always thought life would lead us to "the inevitable conclusion" which was us together. It was long distance and therefore impossible to maintain at 17, despite cross country trips on semester breaks, but we remained great friends (and frequently more) for years.

The last time I saw him was a few years ago and things had changed.

Where once, no matter where we were in our lives, our hearts connected and while reunited it was like no time had passed... now... he was dating his best friend from highschool and felt like the next "reasonable" step was getting married... and having kids... which he did, with her, not me.

To be fair, at this time I was single, with a young daughter of my own and no plans to move to where he was, even if he asked me... our paths separated.

- - - - - - - - -

As for the "major" relationships I can summarize them briefly:

1 - Met and fell in love, had awesome time together, were like best friends, wanted different things, ultimately separated ways on horrible terms. He left me while I was pregnant and alone and lost.... He reappeared when our daughter was 4 years old wanting to have a relationship with her.

2 - Met and fell in love, had a turbulent relationship of extreme up's and down's, crazy fun but terrible fights. He had demon's he could not overcome and ultimately we separated ways. I hoped he could figure himself out and get healthy, instead, he got worse and passed away.

3 - Met and fell in love very quickly, got married and experienced a very stressful year of firsts (dating, married, living together, family, etc.) We will have been married three years in May and though we have our up's and down's we ultimately click. We have many similarities and many differences but we have what matters most... Love... and with that we believe we can accomplish, overcome and resolve any and all issues.

There's my love life in a nutshell... though there are other important relationships I had that taught me much about myself and helped me understand, these are the four that are most significant.

It wasn't until I experienced these good and bad relationships that I could fully appreciate being single and alone. I was a single mom but I was in university, I was working, I had great friends who supported me and I was independent and strong.

I was a mother and a student and a friend and I was HAPPY!

I learned more about myself and how strong and amazing I was. I realized how much I could overcome and accomplish without help from any man or relationship.

I discovered who I was and who my true friends were.

I found happiness was in ME and not in who I was dating.

It took a while, but I got there and then, I met my husband.

It wasn't until I could stand alone happily and willingly that I could be a part of a successful relationship.

- - - - - - - - -

Saying I've experienced my own share of love and heartache feels like an understatement, however, I doubt I'm much different than any other woman nearing 30.

Loved and Lost.... Discovered and Grown.... Lived and Experienced....

I feel like too often women put their ability to be happy in the hands of other men and relationships, when in fact, the only way to find a healthy, truly worthy spouse is to first find a happy, healthy you.

If you are co-dependent or rely too much on others, you can never truly be aware of how amazing you are all on your own!

Of course I couldn't realize this in highschool as I went through dozens of Prince Ronald's... it took time, pain and heartache to learn... but it was the only way.

- - - - - - - - - -

So now, reading Paper Bag Princess to my own daughter who is 6, I am enlightened in a way I wish I had seen as a child and I hope my daughter can see when her time comes....

Women don't need happiness in a man or a relationship. They need to find it in themselves.

Princess Elizabeth lost all her fancy clothes and wore only a paper bag, but she was beautiful and strong and smart and even though Prince Bum didn't care... it didn't matter.

She was beautiful!

Find strength on your own.

Find happiness.

Find you!

Andrew Koenig Found Dead in Vancouver - Depression and Suicide

When news spread that Andrew Koenig, most known for his role as "Boner" on "Growing Pains" was missing in Vancouver, I felt a connection to the story because he was in my city.

When his parents arrived in Vancouver to help search for him, I worried of what they may find.

Today's news of his death, however, hit closer to home than anticipated. Although the story hinted at the outcome.... He gave away his possessions, was depressed, quit his medications, left his hometown to see friends in Vancouver, disappeared on February 14th, missed his flight home, had no cell phone or credit card activity after the 16th.... there was still that glimmer of hope.... it is the Olympics, perhaps he was just partying it up, or ... something...

Today official word came in that he was found dead in Stanley Park. He had committ suicide.

- - - - - - - - -


Last week one of my best friends found out her ex husband was found dead. It's true, he had done a lot of awful things and they were divorced for a very good reason, but the bottom line was, his demons got the best of him.

Although I very rarely cared much for him, there was a time that I enjoyed his company and he made my friend very happy. They were married, had children and at one time... a happy life.

Now, however, he is gone.... poor decisions and tragedy led him on a path which ended his life.

Losing everything, the death of his sister in a tragic drinking and driving accident, alcohol abuse, divorce... all stepping stones on his path of depression...

It hits hard.

One reason this hits so close to home is because of a loss I suffered three years ago.

Wow.

Three Years...Just saying it is strange. I can't even believe it has been that much time....

Like my friend's ex husband, my ex also made poor decisions and ran from demons he could not overcome... ultimately leading to his death.

Though neither of these men's deaths are classified as "suicide" the loss of their lives was due to suicidal behaviours... self-inflicted wounds - emotionally, psychologically and physically.

We all go through difficult times. I don't know many people who haven't thought "why?" or "what if?"

Life is hard...

But, sadly, some make poor decisions and instead of finding ways to improve life, change bad situations or overcome obstacles, they create worse problems through use of drugs, alcohol, stopping medications, and so on.

Depression sets in and it sets in hard.

People think if you are depressed, you go get better.... meds, talks, hugs, sun, smiles... cheer up!

It isn't that easy.

A friend recently connected Cancer and Depression as both being illnesses that kills.

I can see where she is coming from.

People don't look at depression as being deadly.

But it is!

Sometimes the depression, or the demons as I often refer to them as, get the better of you and you let go... you escape, you stop trying, you stop caring, you stop living.... you kill yourself, be it slowly through alcohol and pills or quickly with a blade and too much blood....

Sometimes depression wins.

It is sad. It is true.

Death is sad. Essential, inevitable, but still sad.

Those who are left behind question why? What if? how?

They cry, they mourn, they question, they deal....

And then... they go on with living.... eventually... some sooner than others...

- - - - - - - - -

The news of Andrew Koenig's death upset me far more than I imagined, it flooded my mind with past memories and experiences forcing them to resurface.

Thoughts of my friend's ex husband's final moments, memories of my ex's last living days.... pain, knowing what they were living through, sadness knowing they couldn't be saved, then.... at some point, a moment of acceptance... that they found peace.... that they are no longer struggling, fighting, haunted with the demons of their life.

- - - - - - - - -

To RG:


& To LL:




& to all those we have loved & lost...

Forever Loved
Never Forgetten

R.I.P.

Music in the Moment

So I attended the Free Our Lady Peace Concert and it reminded me of just how much a song can take you back to an exact moment in time...

I've never been great with numbers and the past few years my memory has become even worse with dates and facts from the past... however, I can almost always place a song simply because of the memory it invokes in me.

Certain lyrics, beats, artists, songs just take me to a place I once was, so vividly that it almost feels real...

Sometimes it is amazing to just close my eyes and go back, remember, relive, remain in that moment, however briefly....

Sometimes it hurts to recall, rethink, redo difficult times....

Sometimes it is magical to re-experience, re-visit, re-invent exciting times...

Regardless the tune, the memory, the moment.... I never regret.... only remember with the knowledge that I lived that and it brought me here today.

And with that.... a video from the Free Our Lady Peace Concert.... But, I think I will return to this idea again in the future... Music and Moments of the past....