Anger

Lately, I get angry.

Not violent.

Just hateful.

I think in my head how much I hate this or that.

Or... more often, how much I hate a person for this or that.

It is so unhealthy, I know - but fuck, people are mental!

Recent Pet Peeves (and I am taking a huge risk as people may read this and go "oh shit that is me" but I will be as vague as I can)

-not following through with promises
-making false promises
-lying
-back stabbing
-bragging
-one-upping
-being two-faced
-contradicting
-neglecting
-bailing
-being passive aggressive

ok so I was REALLY vague.... but grrr... i hate people!

One Example:

A girl I know will totally hate on people, make fun of them for doing stuff then turn around and do the same thing.

This same girl is clingy and then a total bitch when she finds a new person to cling to (usually one of my friends) FURTHERMORE she has to brag and lie and one-up and it makes me wanna shout in her face and call her out on her stupidity but I can't because that would just cause drama and we have far too many mutual friends.

Another example:

A person who I totally trust and who promised to never do something I hate recently did that thing. They don't know I know and I shouldn't know but I found out and it is pissing me off. I want to confront said person but I know they will either get mad I found out and back pedal to justify it, or write it off as no big deal and say I am blowing it out of proportion

Another one:

A person I know, not really a friend, who is so self-absorbed and delusional about life, this person is a pathological liar and they don't even SEE their own lies, even when caught in lies this person tries to weave out and act like they never said original lie. This person is also a one-upper, bragger, but so obnoxious literally no one can stand to be near them.... yet for some reason I do and then constantly get let down and/or irritated and angry

One More:

A guy I work for seasonally thinks I am his personal assistant. He will call me 24/7 and expect a prompt answer or reply. If I don't call him back before he calls a 2nd time (2 seconds later or 2 hours later you never know with him) He will leave his stupid fucking message about being disappointed and how I should be more active for the money he pays me and how will the business grow if I can't even answer my phone - really? go fuck yourself!

Currently:

Outside there is some drunk girl singing - - - I want to go to sleep but he is fucking singing - i want to throw rocks out my window at her but I have no rocks inside and I am out of eggs, plus if I miss it will make a mess.... grrrrrr

SO - - - - What is up?

Is it me?

Am I the one with anger issues? Do I need to re-eval and develop coping mechanisms for my anger?

or is it that the world is fucking irritating and I just have the worst luck of being surrounded by morons?

Hmmm...

Please advise!

Perseid Meteor Shower

Tonight and Tomorrow there will be the Perseid Meteor Shower.

Essentially, 100+ meteors per hours will light our skies. If you can find a dark location free from the busy city lights you can enjoy this spectacular phenomena with a bevvie and good company.

I hope to take my hubby and perhaps even the kiddo up to a local park where there is no hustle and bustle of lights and people.

"Can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now, wish right now..."

Now you can wish on REAL "shooting stars"

I remember once in late 2001 or early 2002 going to a dark park with my then boyfriend bundled up with a thermo of hot cocoa and Bailey's... we sat on a pinnic table in the middle of nowhere in the cold winter and watched, literally, hundreds of shooting stars, it was the coolest thing to see...

I've only seen a handful of shooting stars besides that night... often at the drive-in we spot them... anywhere away from the big city lights your chances are obviously better....

Anyways, enjoy tonight if you get the chnace to see them!

The Never-Ending Sickness

When I was a little girl I would get colds that would always lead to bronchitis. A common cold would cause me to bark like a dog with every cough. It always sounded so much worse than it was and the doctors always loaded me up with medicine until I was healthy again.

As an adult, not much changed, I was diagnosed with asthma which was believed to be the cause of my bark-l;ike coughs that accompanied every illness I encountered.

More recently, I was diagnosed wtih "seasonal allergies" which made the bark-like coughing even more horrific as I'd also have a congested head and frequently no available airway during a coughing fit.

I've tried so many different inhalers, pills, breathing treatments, it's frustrating nothing works.

I have been sick for over a month now, though only the last week and a half have been really bad.

I am sick fo being sick.

The stuffiness, the draining, the congestion, the pain, the aches, the tightness, the sleepless nights, the exhausted body, headaches, inability to eat, inability to breathe, I am so done with it...

I want a cure.

I heard on the radio about bio-energy healing and though I am not a huge believer in all the holistic healing methods that exsist, but I am to the point where I would consider trying anything.

We can promptly get your energy flowing freely through your body, mind and spirit from the inside out. Using only natural energy healing techniques, we effectively rebalance your body's energy flow, rejuvenating and transforming both you and your circumstances.

The basis is bang-on... stress gets you stuck and prevents your body from recovering promptly from illness. I know I have a horrible immune system as evident by the length of time I remain sick.

I also know that having pre-exsisting conditions (asthma and allergies) I get far MORE sick when I would usually just get a little bit sick.

Furthermore, I work with a lot of people and children who are basically disease carrying bodies spreading their germs to me.

Lastly, I take on far too much which meand I am usually stressed, busy and NOT resting... not a good equation for staying healthy.

So this combination of getting sick worse than average, longer than average, more often than average and basically having "being sick" as part of my regular lifestyle is not cool!

I need a change.

Any suggestions I am open too - leave a comment or email me !

Paper Bag Princess

Remember this story? Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch.

Here is a summary of the plot from Wikipedia:

Princess Elizabeth was planning on marrying Prince Ronald, who was practically perfect. Then along came a dragon, which destroyed her kingdom, kidnapped Ronald, and burned all her clothes so that she had no choice but to wear a paper bag. She tracked down and outwitted the dragon. She challenged the dragon to burn forests with fire and to fly around the world. The dragon completes the tasks but after flying around the world a second time becomes tired and falls asleep. Elizabeth then saves Ronald. He didn’t even thank her and told her to come back to rescue him when she looked more princessy. Then Elizabeth realized what a bum Ronald was, told him off, and went off to live her own life.

Robert Munsch is genius.

As a child, I read this story wondering why the Prince didn't thank the Princess. Why didn't she make him?

I didn't understand the significance of this story until I was an adult who had loved and lost and conformed and rebelled and finally, figured out (mostly) who and what I was all about.

As a kid, Princess Elizabeth lost all her belongings, fought a fight, outwitted a dragon, saved her true love all for ... well... nothing!

As an adult, I can see now it wasn't for nothing, it was for something most important...

Independence and the realization that a women needs to be alone and put her self number one to discover and grow and learn.

Also... never settle for a bum!

- - - - - - - - -

I had a few boyfriends in highschool and a few in college. There were a few bums, well, there were a lot of bums, though I didn't realize it at the time. I was always very dependent on my boyfriend and in highschool especially felt like I always NEEDED a boy in my life. I had more crushes than I can count and more boyfriends, however short-lived, than I care to recall. There was always this driving force in me that made me BELIEVE I actually NEEDED to have a boyfriend....

Besides all the small, short, temporary relationships I've had three "major" relationships ("major" to me is about 3+ years long) though there was another relationships that lasted a number of years on and off which also meant a lot to me...

We met when I was 16 and became penpals instantly. Soon that developed into more and we always thought life would lead us to "the inevitable conclusion" which was us together. It was long distance and therefore impossible to maintain at 17, despite cross country trips on semester breaks, but we remained great friends (and frequently more) for years.

The last time I saw him was a few years ago and things had changed.

Where once, no matter where we were in our lives, our hearts connected and while reunited it was like no time had passed... now... he was dating his best friend from highschool and felt like the next "reasonable" step was getting married... and having kids... which he did, with her, not me.

To be fair, at this time I was single, with a young daughter of my own and no plans to move to where he was, even if he asked me... our paths separated.

- - - - - - - - -

As for the "major" relationships I can summarize them briefly:

1 - Met and fell in love, had awesome time together, were like best friends, wanted different things, ultimately separated ways on horrible terms. He left me while I was pregnant and alone and lost.... He reappeared when our daughter was 4 years old wanting to have a relationship with her.

2 - Met and fell in love, had a turbulent relationship of extreme up's and down's, crazy fun but terrible fights. He had demon's he could not overcome and ultimately we separated ways. I hoped he could figure himself out and get healthy, instead, he got worse and passed away.

3 - Met and fell in love very quickly, got married and experienced a very stressful year of firsts (dating, married, living together, family, etc.) We will have been married three years in May and though we have our up's and down's we ultimately click. We have many similarities and many differences but we have what matters most... Love... and with that we believe we can accomplish, overcome and resolve any and all issues.

There's my love life in a nutshell... though there are other important relationships I had that taught me much about myself and helped me understand, these are the four that are most significant.

It wasn't until I experienced these good and bad relationships that I could fully appreciate being single and alone. I was a single mom but I was in university, I was working, I had great friends who supported me and I was independent and strong.

I was a mother and a student and a friend and I was HAPPY!

I learned more about myself and how strong and amazing I was. I realized how much I could overcome and accomplish without help from any man or relationship.

I discovered who I was and who my true friends were.

I found happiness was in ME and not in who I was dating.

It took a while, but I got there and then, I met my husband.

It wasn't until I could stand alone happily and willingly that I could be a part of a successful relationship.

- - - - - - - - -

Saying I've experienced my own share of love and heartache feels like an understatement, however, I doubt I'm much different than any other woman nearing 30.

Loved and Lost.... Discovered and Grown.... Lived and Experienced....

I feel like too often women put their ability to be happy in the hands of other men and relationships, when in fact, the only way to find a healthy, truly worthy spouse is to first find a happy, healthy you.

If you are co-dependent or rely too much on others, you can never truly be aware of how amazing you are all on your own!

Of course I couldn't realize this in highschool as I went through dozens of Prince Ronald's... it took time, pain and heartache to learn... but it was the only way.

- - - - - - - - - -

So now, reading Paper Bag Princess to my own daughter who is 6, I am enlightened in a way I wish I had seen as a child and I hope my daughter can see when her time comes....

Women don't need happiness in a man or a relationship. They need to find it in themselves.

Princess Elizabeth lost all her fancy clothes and wore only a paper bag, but she was beautiful and strong and smart and even though Prince Bum didn't care... it didn't matter.

She was beautiful!

Find strength on your own.

Find happiness.

Find you!

Music in the Moment

So I attended the Free Our Lady Peace Concert and it reminded me of just how much a song can take you back to an exact moment in time...

I've never been great with numbers and the past few years my memory has become even worse with dates and facts from the past... however, I can almost always place a song simply because of the memory it invokes in me.

Certain lyrics, beats, artists, songs just take me to a place I once was, so vividly that it almost feels real...

Sometimes it is amazing to just close my eyes and go back, remember, relive, remain in that moment, however briefly....

Sometimes it hurts to recall, rethink, redo difficult times....

Sometimes it is magical to re-experience, re-visit, re-invent exciting times...

Regardless the tune, the memory, the moment.... I never regret.... only remember with the knowledge that I lived that and it brought me here today.

And with that.... a video from the Free Our Lady Peace Concert.... But, I think I will return to this idea again in the future... Music and Moments of the past....