When news spread that Andrew Koenig, most known for his role as "Boner" on "Growing Pains" was missing in Vancouver, I felt a connection to the story because he was in my city.
When his parents arrived in Vancouver to help search for him, I worried of what they may find.
Today's news of his death, however, hit closer to home than anticipated. Although the story hinted at the outcome.... He gave away his possessions, was depressed, quit his medications, left his hometown to see friends in Vancouver, disappeared on February 14th, missed his flight home, had no cell phone or credit card activity after the 16th.... there was still that glimmer of hope.... it is the Olympics, perhaps he was just partying it up, or ... something...
Today official word came in that he was found dead in Stanley Park. He had committ suicide.
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Last week one of my best friends found out her ex husband was found dead. It's true, he had done a lot of awful things and they were divorced for a very good reason, but the bottom line was, his demons got the best of him.
Although I very rarely cared much for him, there was a time that I enjoyed his company and he made my friend very happy. They were married, had children and at one time... a happy life.
Now, however, he is gone.... poor decisions and tragedy led him on a path which ended his life.
Losing everything, the death of his sister in a tragic drinking and driving accident, alcohol abuse, divorce... all stepping stones on his path of depression...
It hits hard.
One reason this hits so close to home is because of a loss I suffered three years ago.
Wow.
Three Years...Just saying it is strange. I can't even believe it has been that much time....
Like my friend's ex husband, my ex also made poor decisions and ran from demons he could not overcome... ultimately leading to his death.
Though neither of these men's deaths are classified as "suicide" the loss of their lives was due to suicidal behaviours... self-inflicted wounds - emotionally, psychologically and physically.
We all go through difficult times. I don't know many people who haven't thought "why?" or "what if?"
Life is hard...
But, sadly, some make poor decisions and instead of finding ways to improve life, change bad situations or overcome obstacles, they create worse problems through use of drugs, alcohol, stopping medications, and so on.
Depression sets in and it sets in hard.
People think if you are depressed, you go get better.... meds, talks, hugs, sun, smiles... cheer up!
It isn't that easy.
A friend recently connected Cancer and Depression as both being illnesses that kills.
I can see where she is coming from.
People don't look at depression as being deadly.
But it is!
Sometimes the depression, or the demons as I often refer to them as, get the better of you and you let go... you escape, you stop trying, you stop caring, you stop living.... you kill yourself, be it slowly through alcohol and pills or quickly with a blade and too much blood....
Sometimes depression wins.
It is sad. It is true.
Death is sad. Essential, inevitable, but still sad.
Those who are left behind question why? What if? how?
They cry, they mourn, they question, they deal....
And then... they go on with living.... eventually... some sooner than others...
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The news of Andrew Koenig's death upset me far more than I imagined, it flooded my mind with past memories and experiences forcing them to resurface.
Thoughts of my friend's ex husband's final moments, memories of my ex's last living days.... pain, knowing what they were living through, sadness knowing they couldn't be saved, then.... at some point, a moment of acceptance... that they found peace.... that they are no longer struggling, fighting, haunted with the demons of their life.
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To RG:
& To LL:
& to all those we have loved & lost...
Forever Loved
Never Forgetten
R.I.P.
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